My heart is so messy. It’s broken, it’s bleeding, and its many twisted pathways and caverns confuse me to no end.
But God is working in it. I love when He comes into those hurting places and begins to heal them. And I love watching Him do the same thing in other people’s hearts.
Sigh. God is good. That’s all I can say.
Goodnight, friends.
I recently discovered something about myself. I’ve felt this way my entire life but only recently put a label on it. I really, really do not like intermissions. For some reason, I always get irritated when it’s time to go stand awkwardly outside and drink overpriced bottled water and eat old candy for twenty minutes while I wait for the show to recommence. I always wish that the show would just keep going, that I wouldn’t have to wait for the finale to come. And this doesn’t only apply to shows, it carries over into many aspects of my life. I don’t like making bathroom stops on trips. I’d much rather drive four hours straight and get there as quickly as I possibly can than take multiple breaks and get there slower. I didn’t like last summer because I just wanted to move onto college and begin the next phase of my life.
Why am I like this? I have no idea. I feel like I’m always in a rush to get to the next place, to be the first one there, to see what lies ahead. I think I’m beginning to realize this because my four week winter break feels like one giant intermission. I loved the first act of Davidson and felt like it was finally gaining momentum when I had step out of the warm, comfortable theatre and into the cold, strangely unfamiliar lobby. The background was fully set, the characters were developing, relationships were finally becoming interesting, and everything was starting to make a little bit more sense when suddenly the lights went up and it was time for a four week intermission.
As I flew home, I felt that same resistance to change, that same desire to sit firmly in my seat and refuse to leave the theatre. But in the midst of all my resistance, I feel like God said (possibly more eloquently than this), “Get your butt out of that seat! This intermission is a time for you to slow down, think about what you just took part in, and prepare yourself for Act II. Stop your whining and start your reflecting and growing.” I think He’s teaching me to appreciate these breaks for what they are: a break. This intermission from school is a chance for me to look back on my first semester, see what I’ve learned, and talk to God about what He wants for me next semester.
So, instead of sitting bored on my butt at my house, I think I’ll step into the lobby, mingle with the other audience members, nibble on a stale, overpriced cookie, and see what I can learn from this break from college life. I’m curious to see what God will teach me. : )
I recently read the book The Shack by William P. Young. Now I know there has been some controversy and not all Christians hold the same views on it (but really, what else is new?), but I absolutely loved it. I thought it was refreshing in the way it portrayed spirituality and it totally transformed my understanding of God’s love in a way that I don’t feel contradicts anything I’ve read in the Bible. I’m sure there are many opinions about it, but overall, I liked it.
Although I have a million things I could explore from that book, and might explore in this blog eventually, one really stood out to me and is the one I’ll write about tonight. While they’re talking about God’s nature, one of the characters makes a statement about God that blew my mind with its simplicity and its truth. Sarayu, the character representing the Holy Spirit, describes God in this way: “I am a verb. I am that I am. I will be who I will be. I am a verb! I am alive, dynamic, ever active, and moving. I am a being verb.”
Stop for a second. Take that in. Doesn’t it rock your world? For some reason, I absolutely love that description. I understand that some aspects of God’s character make Him more noun-like, but I also love this description. I love the idea that God is not static, that our relationship with him isn’t church, religion, rules, prayers, or songs, but rather a series of perpetual verbs. Sarayu continues to say this:
“And as my very essence is a verb, I am more attuned to verbs than nouns. Verbs such as confessing, repenting, living, loving, responding, growing, reaping, changing, sowing, running, dancing, singing, and on and on. Humans, on the other hand, have a knack for taking a verb that is alive and full of grace and turning it into a dead noun or principle that reeks of rules: something growing and alive dies. Nouns exist because there is a created universe and physical reality, but if the universe is only a mass of nouns, it is dead. Unless ‘I am,’ there are no verbs, and verbs are what make the universe alive.”
I don’t even really have anything to say. I have no elaboration, no insight, no wisdom. This just blows my mind. Combined with the rest of the book, which I definitely think you should read, by the way, it makes me want to live and love in a new, transformed, dynamic way.
I love it. I love when books challenge my way of thinking and existing. It’s why I want to be a writer.
I am having waaaaaay too much fun looking over my old essays. Here’s one I wrote for William and Mary. The prompt was open and I just went for it. I got in, so they must have liked it! Enjoy!
Oh and keep in mind that I used random names. These are the names of elementary school friends, not the actual people with whom I did this.
———
The ten of us sat in the Jacuzzi, grinning nervously at one another as the water simmered. Could we, ten church-going best friends, abandon all pretensions and do this? Nobody was home to see us, but could we be that vulnerable with one another?
I answered the unspoken questions with a shriek of laughter and abandoned the bubbly concealment of the Jacuzzi. Within seconds, everyone had followed me and stood in a semicircle before the pool, awaiting my command (it was my idea, after all).
I stood before them like a general preparing her troops for battle.
“On the count of three! One…Two…Three! Drop trou!”
Flinging our dripping bikinis into the darkness, we began circling like savages around the patio. We whooped and twirled and leapt, painting the cement with our steaming footprints as we left our insecurities behind and donned the cool raiment of the summer.
If only for a moment, we let go of all the worries that bound our weary hearts to the fetters of everyday life. For a few hours, Sarah stopped counting calories because she hated her body and wished she were slimmer. For a few hours, Rachel stopped worrying that her mother would relapse and go back into alcohol rehabilitation. For a few hours, I forgot about my genetically fragile back that had recently failed me when I needed it most. Those anxieties were for later, when the shimmering moon faded and the night no longer whispered our names. When reality finally took hold, we would comfort each other as we wept for the trials of our pasts and dreamed about the successes of our futures. But for now, we were content to dance in Marina’s backyard, our pale, adolescent limbs glistening in the light of the August moon.
“What do you think God says when He looks down and sees us doing this?” asked Morwenna, the most conservative of us all. Giggling as she performed a slippery pirouette, Kaitlyn responded with exactly what was on my heart.
“Dang! Look at those beautiful young princesses of mine. I don’t think I could have made them any more perfect. I can’t wait until they see the plans I have for them.”
Amen to that.
———-
I’m amazed I got into college with all of the ridiculous essays I wrote.
I was looking through my old writing and essays on my computer at home and I found this essay. It was my answer to the short answer (150 words) question on the Common Application. It’ s random, but I enjoyed reading it, and maybe you will too. Here it is!
Of all the instruments in my home, the one most commonly played is the stove. Its droning C Sharp has acted as the base for not only hundreds of my musical family’s suppertime symphonies, but also the music ebbing and flowing beneath the tides of my everyday life. Whether I am playing piano with my brother, singing High School Musical with the second-graders I tutor at John Muir Fundamental School, or serenading a wide-eyed child with the Build-A-Bear birthday song, I love to touch people through music. I have been involved with choral music programs, worship teams, and theatre groups since I was seven, but my most memorable performances always seem to happen far from the brilliant spotlights of the stage.
“Miss Lauren, do you ever stop singing?” asked one of my favorite second-graders after I had entertained her with yet another self-composed masterpiece about subtraction.
“Nope!” I replied with a grin. I hope that never changes.
I love looking back on things I wrote a while ago. It’s so interesting to see my old perspectives and how my writing style has changed.
I flew back home to California today for the first time since summer, which was quite strange by the way. That’s a whole different story though, and not at all the point of this blog.
I had a layover in Houston and went to get dinner. After dragging around my fat duffel bag and heavy backpack all day, my mood was not at a peak. I had no cash, my back hurt, I was in such a weird emotional state, and just overall probably not the most fun person to be around. I ordered my Panda Express (mushroom chicken…mmmmmm) and somehow managed to maneuver my jacket, duffel, backpack, and bag of food to a table. I sat down to eat and glanced out the window and stopped completely dead in my tracks.
Right as I looked, the sun peeked out from behind a sky full of grey clouds. Now I’m talking one of those greeting card moments, the ones where the sunlight shines in shimmering beams that you can see and you see this perfect sphere peek its head from behind the clouds. It was absolutely stunning. People were rushing around me, in a hurry to get to some important place and meet some important people and do some important things. But I just sat there, fork in mid-air, staring at this glorious sight. It was incredible! And the amazing thing is that it remained there just as long as it took to eat my dinner. As soon as I took my last bite, the sun disappeared behind the clouds again.
I absolutely love when God romances my heart like that. He saw that I was broken, nervous about seeing everyone at home for the first time, emotionally overwhelmed, and just plain tired, and he met me at that place. He met me in the middle of the airport food court as I sat by myself, alone and exhausted.
I went and wrote in my journal afterwards, and I feel like that moment was God’s way of telling me this: “Hey, Lauren. You know those grades you’re worried about, those friendships you’re afraid to dive back into, your fears about how home will have changed, that relationship you’re just beginning, and all those other things you keep thinking about? I’m bigger than those things. Focus on me, and you will see beauty so much more lasting and so much grander than anything you could ever imagine. I love you, and if you would just stop trying to take the wheel, I could take you on the adventure of a lifetime.”
I needed that.
In the spirit of Thanksgiving and of being cliche, I thought I would make a little list of things I’m thankful for, of things that continually bring joy to my life. So read and enjoy.
1. I love cloudy days. For some reason cloudy days give me a ton of energy. A lovely day full of gloomy clouds invigorates me. Don’t ask me why, they just do.
2. I’m thankful for my family. I’m thankful that they are big, loud, crazy, sing in five part harmony when they’re drunk, and probably know more about books, languages, and history than anyone. They are a huge part of who I am, and I’m so grateful for every moment I get to spend laughing and being ridiculous with them. I don’t know who I’d be without them.
3. I’m thankful for language. I love being able to communicate with people. I love that that the little symbols on this page can communicate something to you so much greater than just squiggles. I’m thankful that there are many languages in the world because it forces us to recognize the beautiful differences that characterize all of us and appreciate them. If I could, I would learn them all.
4. I’m thankful for lakes. Enough said.
5. I’m thankful for my friends, whether in California, North Carolina, or anywhere in the world, these people make my life as joyful as it is. They are my laughter on a Tuesday night when the world seems like it’s going to collapse, my smiles on gloomy days, and my everything. I love them with all of my heart.
6. I’m thankful for chocolate, especially the dark kind. Heaven in a wrapper. Seriously.
7. I’m thankful for music. I love that this random collection of vibrations and words can communicate something so deep to the human soul.
8. Probably more important than all of the things I just mentioned, I’m thankful for God. That seems so generic, so cliche, but it’s so true. Sometimes I look back on everything I’ve done, the people I’ve hurt, and I’m amazed that God still loves me. I’m grateful for the way he pursued me and the way he romanced my heart as I ran away from him to do life on my own. I’m grateful that he never gave up on me, no matter what I did. And most of all, I’m grateful that he welcomed me with open arms when I finally came back to him, broken and bleeding. I don’t know if a blog could express how overwhelmed I am with gratitude for Him.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. I hope that today gave you the chance to remember all of the things that bring you joy.
Well, I am officially a Young Life leader at North Mecklenburg High School. I couldn’t be more excited to begin! I can’t wait to start hanging out and loving high school students. Keep these students and the North Meck YL team in your prayers. Goooo Vikings! : )
I have another confession to make. It’s nothing deep, but it’s something random I just realized the other day.
I really like vacuuming. Is that weird? For some reason, I find something so upbeat about it. Lately, I get into these cleaning moods and go crazy with the cleaning supplies. Or as I like to call it, I have sporadic “fits of domesticity.” I just love turning on my music (not gonna lie, usually Shania Twain or High School Musical) and dancing around the room and singing. Or dancing as I clean my mirrors or wash dishes. I feel so productive!
This whole thing reminds me a bit of being on work crew at Windy Gap. We worked sooooo hard all day and it was pretty difficult at times. I have so much respect for people who do it for a month. Anyway, we would turn up the music and just laugh and sing while we did it. We didn’t really have the choice to not do the work, so we figured we might as well have a good time with it.
I guess I feel like in some weird way, having fun while I do something boring like cleaning helps me develop the kind of attitude that I want to have in the rest of my life. I know God is going to put things before me that I don’t want to do, whether it’s waking up early for Bible study, giving up comfort for him, or simply interacting with people in a way that frankly scares the heck out of me. But whether or not I want them to be, those things are there, and following Christ means taking a deep breath, setting down my pride and my desires, and getting started.
But I say, why do we have to do those things with just enough energy to get them done, with just enough enthusiasm to accomplish the minimum? I propose we live our lives as though Shania Twain is always blasting on a boombox next to us. I propose that we dance and sing when life gets boring and tedious, when it seems like everything we do is something we HAVE to do, and not something we want to do. I say we live as though the only thing that matters is that the dirty floor beneath our feet is clean and that we clean it with a smile. Who cares what comes next? There are windows to be washed, songs to be danced to, and people to love. I say we get started.
Who’s with me? : )
I wanted to write this because I feel like I’ve told so many people that I’m involved with Young Life but never really gotten the chance to explain what it is.
Younglife is a Christian ministry dedicated to reaching the high school students who would never set foot in a church. ”Wait,” you might think. “Does this mean you go and yell at high school students about how they need Jesus and they’re sinners? That’s horrible! Leave them alone!” It’s actually far from that. One of the main principles of Young Life is that you have to earn the right to be heard. By building relationships with high school students and loving them and listening to them when no one else will, Young Life leaders basically model Christ to kids to otherwise might never have seen Him. Young Life leaders open up their lives to high school students so that these kids can see and experience God in an undeniable way.
They had Young Life at my high school, but I was unfortunately too busy to ever get involved. Once I got here though, God practically put a huge sign in front of my face telling me He wanted me to do this. Within the first week, I met at least a few students who planned on doing Young Life (all of whom are now some of my closest friends), the area director, other staff members, and the current leaders. At first, I was really worried about joining. It’s a big time commitment and a part of me worried that I should be doing things that would build a resume or impress other people immediately. But true to his nature, God not so subtly reminded me to follow Him completely and trust Him to provide the rest. I mean, He brought me to Davidson, right? I absolutely love it here and he has been so faithful to provide me with amazing friends, classes, and opportunities.
So basically, I’m throwing myself into this whole Young Life thing and not looking back. I’ve spent enough of my life trying to control everything, and now it’s time that I just leap without worrying about what will happen once I’m in the air. In fact, as soon as I finish this post, I’m going to go fill out my application to become a leader. Yikes!
A song I heard yesterday reminded me of something that I’ll have to remember as I embark on this new adventure serving God in high school ministry. I can’t depend on myself to do something this big. I want the lyrics of this song to be my prayer, that God would give me his heart and his love for all of the people I am soon to meet.
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the once forgotten.
I can’t wait to see what God has in store. : )
